A Dreamer of Dreams
Dreams about River Phoenix from my early twenties. The reoccurring dream about an evil forest is also quite prophetic to me now.
An excerpt from my Memoir written in 2018:
After his death I became obsessed all over again. I collected every magazine and newspaper article I could find and watched his movies on repeat. He even began appearing in my dreams, most of which I still remember. In one such dream, not long after his death, I was horrified to find his corpse stashed away in my closet like some well-kept secret. I kept thinking, why do I have River Phoenix’s dead body in my closet and how did it get there? I didn’t know what to do with it, so I just left it there. I remember the dream vividly. Twenty-five years later and it still haunts me, much like the Halloween dream. There’s a connection here, like a thick web decades in the making, there’s always a connection holding those dots in place.
Letter to River Phoenix
August 4, 1998
Travels Journal
You intoxicate my dreams with a divine presence that lingers on even after the curtains have been raised.
Letter to River Jude
January 5, 1999
Travels Journal
If it could be arranged, I would like to see you again tonight. My God, it’s been too long. I imagine your eyebrows are still perfectly arched, your dimple, your careless hair, your breathless voice all still perfectly intact. Do you remember the last time we saw each other? We were at your house and for some reason the electricity was out. How many people were there that night? We ended up passing out in the back room, and the next morning when we awoke to find a “for sale” sign in the front yard, we strolled over to a nearby oak tree and waited for the sun to set again. Four more hours remain until the morning haze creeps in through the window. I’ll meet you there.
Reoccurring
February 21, 1999
Travels Journal
I always have dreams about stars. The sky is lit up by colorful constellations that actually don’t exist in the real world. Every night there is a different show and everybody stands outside at the same time they do every night to witness what the next picture, or message, or cartoon, or whatever will be.
Dream #10 (Reoccurring)
April 19, 1999
Colors Journal
Close your eyes and remember the way to the trail. There’s a parting in the trees just up ahead. The sky is dull and gray but through the opening light could be seen from the sun. You move slowly pushing branches out of the way until a path is spotted in the clearing. “I’ve been here before, don’t follow it,” but you do anyway despite the inner voice. The feeling of terror returns in a sudden flash of de-ja-vu as soon as your feet begin tracing the path. The light from the sun was deceiving as you look up and around only to discover that your surroundings are darker now than they were before. “What do I do? What happened next?” But you can’t remember. It is blocked every time so you keep going back. A reoccurring nightmare but you can’t remember the reason for terror. What lurks along this trail?
Regulars
August 19, 1999
Colors Journal
I had a dream about a killer snowman the other night.
Where have you been since the last time we talked? Have you seized from visiting my dreams or can I just not remember?
I have not yet apologized for such bitter terms. In you I found a connection that has never existed outside of my circle. We never saw it coming did we?
Frantically searching for the shaman who will intervene this terrible nightmare and return me to that familiar yet unknown land of utopia.
Dream: Interruptions
August 23, 1999
Colors Journal
I woke up screaming at the top of my lungs the other night from a nightmare, but I can’t even remember what it was about. The entire household was awakened from my bellow but I was still somewhat out of it. To me it sounded like a faint peep so I didn’t pay any mind, but Gwen was in the room and she was shaking me and asking if I was alright. I moaned “yes” and dozed back off. That was the first time I have ever done anything like that. I don’t even talk in my sleep. There was a giant spider, that much I can remember, but the rest is completely void. I’ve been having nightmares steadily for the past two months but I can never remember them. I’ll wake up in the morning freezing because I am covered in sweat and the fan is blowing directly on me. An uneasy feeling consumes me but the dream itself is a mystery. I’ve also been waking up in the middle of the night from an asthma attack, and I’m thinking that this might be connected with the nightmares. Sleep is no longer pleasant.
Phantom in the Woods
(reoccurring dream)
October 30, 1999
Colors Journal
There was something watching that day through the shadows of the woods. It followed behind with the trees stepping as I did, inhaling as I did, swallowing as I did. I remember my eyes darting upward and then behind, but when the corners were uncovered nothing appeared. My disturbance to these parts was quite innocent, but the idea of such a presence here among immense wickedness that has been tucked away for ages was too much for this force to ignore. I think something was brought back with me.
“What evil lurks beyond this trail?”
Where’s the Ocean?
2008, The Black Book
The last great road trip unravels and comes to an end as quickly as it arrived. A nuclear waste land mingles with cloud covered mountains waiting for snow as we travel through White Sands wondering what the government is up to.
I had a dream last night that I ran into you at some desert oasis lost somewhere in Arizona. I was drinking a beer when you walked up surrounded by a hundred strangers and looking as beautiful as ever. We hugged like old friends do after years apart, uncomfortable yet familiar. You asked me to stay a while and so I did, a little apprehensive but happy to see you alive and well. It was the kind of dream you hate to wake up from, and once again you’re on my mind, now more than ever.
